The term "narcissist" is widely misused and become popular. Get aquainted with the definition of Malignant Narcissist first and foremost. Once identified, all non-narcissists should work to isolate these monsters from the rest of humanity. No one should speak to them, look at them, listen to them, work with them, hire them, buy from them, sell to them, feed them, touch them or have sex with them. They are like poison. Devil's incarnate. They should have tattoos on their foreheads to identify them. They should be left alone to live off the land in solitary confinement. They never change, never recover and never improve. They are a drain on society. They will drain your bank account, your heart, your energy, your mind, and your future. If you choose to forgive one, do not inform them they have been forgiven. The isolation of narcs can only come about through public awareness.
It is still difficult to refrain from texting ex narc with anything and everything that enters my mind about his functioning level, his new secondary source and my feelings. I understand it is useless and only fuels the fire. Also that it provides him with primary supply via attention. I have gotten better in the past couple of weeks. Simple common triggers pop up frequently throughout the day that I resist. The midlife and aging narcissist information on the website gives me joy to read.
http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissistoppositesex.html
These posts are not in chronological order in terms of events.
My ex-h narc followed the path precisely described by the experts on malignant narcs. He idealized me for a few months and was on his absolute best behavior. Attentive, appeared concerned, empathic - the works. Slowly opening up to about his "situation" - regarding his divorce, DUI's, guilt for having treated a couple girls poorly, his annoyance with his mother, hatred of his brothers, financial instability, hx of being sent to a psychiatrist by parents in his late teens and hx of stealing as a juvenile. Six months in, more red flags. Anxiety for seemingly no reason, leaving my house abruptly, a strange phone number on my phone bill at 3am when he stayed at my house (while I was away), secretive about his daughter, and unwilling to introduce me to his family. We continued the relationship for one full year before he explained the secrecy. He was 29, and did not have one child - he had four. He told me he kept this from me because he knew I would not accept it until I had fallen in love with him. I was so in love by that time, I accepted his four children with open arms. He professed his undying love to me that night. Years 1 - 3 were pretty blissful from what I can recall. The rest of it, I put out of my mind. I was being courted, complimented and loved more than I ever believed possible by a very sexy handsome young man. I was the luckiest young lady in the world! He was working on a project with his business partner that would soon make him a millionaire. His technological ideas and sales of this program attracted venture capitalists and once it was sold, we would be golden. Every night, we'd have cocktails and I'd listen to his energized and animated stories about how his program was the best thing ever invented and his strategies to sell it to the auto industry. I listened excitedly and gave feedback to assist. We had his kids to my home every weekend and I played stepmom, entertaining, cooking for them and being a family. I was all in. Doing the best I could to provide love, stability, friendship and care to his children (who were very annoying and unruly), which I attributed to their mother. We took his kids on camping vacations and weekend outings, while I tried my best to ignore the following:
I decided to create this blog for purposes of my own healing and hopefully, that of other survivors of narcissistic abusive relationships. For two years, I have tried everything I can find to recover. Obsessively learned about the narcissist, co-dependents, Stockholm syndrome, tried no contact, distractions, medications, chat rooms, women's retreats, changing eating habits, cutting energetic cords, and the list goes on. Once I start to forget about the trauma, I am triggered by inner memories that intrude and outer reminders of the past. Whilst in the state of forgetting, I also forget the horror that went along with my experience. This temporary state of peace/hopefulness causes memories of the "good times" no longer present to flood my psyche and thus cause a downward spiral into despair.
Living with a malignant narcissist partner is emotionally exhausting. Of course, I knew nothing about the behavior patterns of a narc at that time. In my personal case, the words that flowed so easily from my ex-narc's mouth much of the time made me think that he was joking. For example, he appeared truly puzzled when I tried to explain my personal preferences and feelings about what someone else said or did. He was angry if I expressed any hint of displeasure, upset or unhappiness regarding any person or situation. I was expected to show happiness and appreciation all the time just for the mere fact, he was with me. His presence, he believed, was enough to make anyone happy, regardless of anything else going on in their life.
I was often berated for the combination of ingredients I used when cooking. Jokes about me were made about how old an ingredient was and how nasty I was if I still tried to use it in a meal. While cooking, each step was criticized. The type of pan I chose, the nerve i had to use margarine instead of butter, the length of cooking time, whether there would be enough food, the quality of each ingredient, how things were chopped and with which knife, etc. I consider myself a great cook. But once my ex-narc picked up the interest, he constantly wanted to show off to himself and I guess me, First, competing with me, then criticizing and nit-picking to the point that I stopped cooking completely. Something I used to enjoy doing had become a forum of fear and ridicule. During the kitchen put-downs and battles, he would point out that he and I just aren't a match (after over 10 yrs) since we are not able to peacefully cook together. And this was solely my problem. Once he started cooking, he praised his own dishes to a grandiose extent and expected the same praises from me. They were indeed good, so I bit my tongue and provided the admiration he required. The entire scenario around meal time was a point of contention, where I had constant feelings of resentment, competition and demoralization. The angrier I became, the more he laughed at me. Jovial in the kitchen as he whipped up complicated Italian dishes that I had intentionally bowed out of helping prepare, but also felt like the opportunity to do something together we both enjoyed was torn away from me. When frustrated and feeling like a worthless slave in the cleaning department, if bent over to pick up something, he would grab my ass and illicit the utmost of rage and humiliation. Then laugh at my "over reaction", or accuse me of not being cheerful enough, exciting enough or interesting enough. Speaking of boring, my ex-narc was engrained in a daily routine in which I was forced to participate if I wanted to spend any time with him. Either before or after dinner, we had to walk to the store and buy his cigarettes and liquor. His daily dose of liquor was exactly one pint of vodka so I was not allowed a drink as it would lower his share of what he needed to sleep every night. The vodka drinks equaled exactly 4 rock glasses filled with ice, 7/8 of vodka and a splash of orange juice. He was fun during the first drink, began getting unruly and indignant by the second, and by the third, all hell would break loose. He was either chasing me, demanding sex, staring at the television or chain smoking cigarettes in the basement. If I became bored and fell asleep before he did, he would try to wake me just as I drifted off. He needed my attention and I was berated for falling asleep "too early." Only if he passed out from drinking first before me could I finally rest. When I set a boundary for no sex while drunk, he was able to comply for a few days. After that, I was called names such as "asexual," "frigid" and accused of not liking sex at all. Then he threatened if I did not provide it, he would have to find it somewhere else. Mind you, all this came from a man who called me Sweetheart all the time, told me he loved me several times a day, and complimented my appearance each morning. I was told constantly "I could never meet another woman as good as you." |
Randy A
Ex wife & former victim of narc abuse, mystic angel warrior supporting emotional peace & sanity for survivors of narc abuse. Standing for humanity & the complete isolation of narcissists from all human contact. Archives
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